No More Teasers…Hello.

Relationships.

We all have them. We cherish some of them, we avoid others. We seek them, we seek to end them.

I’ve been thinking, especially upon my return from Afghanistan about relationships. Here’s where I’m at.

We are inherently consumers. We are wired to survive, we are wired to ensure we have what we need: emotionally, spiritually, physically, intellectually and we work hard to keep those at acceptable levels for our personalities, where we are in our lives and countless other factors.

What is the protocol when relationships shift from high priority to a lesser priority? Still a priority, but less of one. What happens when you date someone, you make plans, you talk about everything and cocooned in your love pod; everything is perfect. Then reality happens. Reality has a way of being that shovel to the face or falling down some stairs you didn’t see. If you are in a relationship and reality hits; it takes a very astute partner to realize reality is lurking at the bottom of those stairs or winding that shovel up to clock you in the face. Their reflexes could be the difference between them having to get smelling salts to wake you up after you get thwacked or catching the shovel or pushing you out of the way so you don’t get hit.  It’s a survival game.

I’ve said it here before and have engaged in discussions about relationships at various stages with tons of people. I see relationships as a way to have companionship and have two people reacting and experiencing life together. Building love, growing together and truly becoming ‘one’. (In the Biblical sense.)

Because I’ve already covered this in subsequent posts, I won’t dwell on it.

Instead, what happens to two people when one couldn’t prevent the other from getting smacked with the reality shovel? They part ways and their friendship is broken. The amount of care hasn’t changed. All of the initial reasons for a strong friendship are still present and some might argue due to the time spent cultivating the friendship, it’s ceased from being raw ore or a collection of similar elements and is now an alloy. I light, agile, strong compound able to withstand some pretty acute forces of reality. But, due to disagreements on how to temper the alloys; it’s been left in the vice. Files and tongs hang smartly on their hooks; no move to hone this alloy or shape it into anything more than it is. It’s a mass. A conglomeration of experiences, conversations, dreams and aspirations.

When friendships dissolve they don’t really go anywhere, depending on the strength of the relationship. Ignoring the friendship doesn’t destroy the experiences. It doesn’t put the tears, long since wiped away, back on a streaked face. It doesn’t punch the teeth out of smiles, created through shared experiences. It doesn’t go back in time and erase shared glances, handshakes, hugs or kisses. It doesn’t somehow misplace the elation that comes from reunions after long periods of absence. It doesn’t make the warmest hugs, given in comfort, cold. All of those things happened. It will affect trust and I understand that. I’m not talking about infidelity in a relationship. I’m talking about someone who feels abandoned, who feels like they don’t have access to that person anymore. Trust is fixable if the life shared was truly shared.

I would offer, casting aside an insurmountable investment into a friendship/relationship is waste. Reality has a harshness that changes things. A harshness that puts an edge on things.  Based on reality people, places, things shift in their priority. Somethings will be the most important things in the universe…then reality happens, jobs happen, moves happen and the shift happens and reality hits you with a shovel.

It doesn’t mean you aren’t important. It doesn’t mean there is any regret. It means; life.

There are many ways to respond to this: Work harder! You’re always saying discipline is the answer to everything. Just work it out.

True. Discipline is paramount to success in everything. In this case…both parties would need to be disciplined. To offer solutions. Actual solutions, instead of dropping an armful of maps onto the drafting table and walking out; ‘You’ll figure it out! I believe in you!’

Nope. Not the answer.

This will likely be a series as I navigate through thoughts.

Red Flags. Pay Attention.

Good morning, readers! My friend posted this article on her facebook and I really liked it, so I’m re-purposing it for you. These are really good points and I think it’s important to note that everyone deserves someone, but it’s equally important to be discerning. Much love, WP

Your girlfriend always runs late. Your boyfriend always waits for you to make the plans.

Is that thing that annoys you about your significant other just an irritating habit to overlook or is it a sign of a behavior pattern that should be a deal breaker?

As a counselor, I get a lot of questions about what kind of things should be taken seriously enough in dating to be grounds to call off the relationship.

Of course, everyone has different preferences with regard to relationships, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But preferences and deal breakers are very different things. Some things are just a no-go no matter how you try to look at them.

From my experience as a counselor, there are some qualities and characteristics that should never be overlooked, no matter how many other things line up.

 

1, Deceit

The number one deal-breaker when it comes to any relationship is deceit. If you can’t build a relationship on truth, then you have no relationship. If you find yourself in a relationship in which you are lied to or continually questioning the truth, my advice to you is RUN!

2. Addictions

Most people think of alcohol and drugs when it comes to the deal breaker of addiction. But there is so much more to the spectrum of addiction that needs to be observed before you engage in a dating relationship.

Addiction can come in the form of financial irresponsibility (gambling), sexual struggles (pornography), food (compulsive binging or purging), etc. I am in no way saying these struggles make someone unworthy of relationships, I am simply saying these struggles need to be dealt with first.

Healthy people make healthy relationships, there’s no getting around it.

3. Abuse

When it comes to deal breakers, there shouldn’t be a hint of sexual, emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Using sex, emotions, words or physical touch to gain control or power over another person is absolutely out of the question.

Add to that list the sly manipulation of spiritual abuse—using God or His Word for selfish gain. Never make excuses for this type of behavior—and get yourself out.

4. Rage

How a person handles their emotions says a lot about that person. Rage is a sign that there are some major deficits when it comes to emotional management. If you see signs of rage this early on in a relationship, the prognosis is likely very, very bad. Break the deal before you’re in too deep.

5. Codependency

Codependent people base their confidence and self-esteem on the people around them. They are clingy, needy and desperate for affection and love—no matter the cost.

But the reality is that healthy people don’t need each other, they choose each other. Don’t ever mistake the dysfunction of need for the beautiful gift of true love.

6. Avoidance

Though you’ll never meet the perfect person, you should pursue someone who knows their imperfections and is ready and willing to discuss and deal with these things.

Avoidant people cower from dealing with any topic that has to do with feelings or conflict. Communication is the life-line of a relationship; avoidance will never allow for that life to take root.

 

7. Control

For a healthy relationship to exist, there has to be a component of freedom. When two people live in trust with each other, their relationship automatically exudes freedom.

The opposite of this is control. One or both individuals trying to control the other. Who they can spend time with, talk to and see. How they spend their time, their money and their emotions. What they can buy, wear or be a part of.

Control is a sign that something is not as it should be in the relationship. It’s a major deal breaker.

8. Lacking Boundaries

I get emails all the time from both men and women frustrated at their partner’s lack of boundaries with people—specifically, people of the opposite sex. I always advise that this is something that MUST be dealt with in order for the relationship to continue on.

If you’ve had to address this issue in your relationship and nothing has changed, then it’s time to really consider where you fall on your significant other’s priority list. If there are signs of this in your current relationship, you better believe it will only be magnified when you enter into a marriage. So speak now, or forever hold your peace.

9. Self-Absorption

Though this may sometimes be subtle, it’s deadly when it comes to long-term relationships. Self-absorption is essentially declaring that you are more important than anyone else.

In dating, this can come across as someone who is only focused on their wants and needs in a relationship, neglecting their partner. Someone who is always right.Someone who is self-centered, vain or narcissistic.

The root of it all is the same: a fixation with self. This is poison in any relationship, and even more deadly when we’re talking about a life-long one. Get out while you can.

10. Passive

Someone who is passive allows life to happen rather than directing the course of their life. Passivity is typically rooted in insecurity, but manifests in a lack of goals, motivation, desires and opinions. It’s someone who repeatedly “doesn’t know” or “doesn’t care” and allows you to constantly take the lead. It’s a person who is lacking initiative and drive in parts or most areas of their life.

I don’t know about you, but I think one of the worst kinds of relationships is one in which you feel like you are in it alone.

For me, when it came to falling in love and choosing a life partner, one thing was for certain, I wanted to marry a man who held the same values and beliefs as I did.

But the unfortunate thing is the title “Christian” doesn’t always translate to “healthy.” The signs of God truly at work in someone’s life manifest themselves in qualities of health and wholeness (Galatians 5:22), a list completely different than the list above.

 Of course, every relationship is made up of two broken, sinful people. You don’t have to be perfect, but there are things you will have to work through before you can have a healthy relationship.

Don’t ever settle for someone who simply speaks good things—look for someone who lives those things out.

Marriage is a life-long commitment to someone who vows to love, honor and cherish you for the rest of their lives. If you’re not seeing those things in your dating relationship, you’re never going to see them in a future marriage.

It’s time to come to terms with the reality of where your relationship is, and break the deal before it breaks you.

-Debra K. Fileta is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in Relationship and Marital issues. She, her husband and two children live in Hershey, PA. She is the author of the new book True Love Dates (Zondervan, 2013), challenging young men and women to do dating in a way that is psychologically sound, emotionally healthy and spiritually grounded. Visit www.truelovedates.com and follow her on Twitter to get your dating questions answered and to learn more!

Samantha Parent Walravens – Gives sound relationship advice in recent article…

Good morning BlockThat! adventurers! Today I’m posting an excerpt from an article I found on Huffingtonpost.com. The author is a fantastic writer, whom I enjoy reading.

Samantha Parent Walravens is the author of TORN: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood, chosen by the New York Times as the first pick for the Motherlode Book Club.

 

So, how do marriages today stand the test of time? I’ve gathered some useful insights from marriage therapists, life coaches and married couples that have been together for over 25 years. Here are 10 ways they say will help affair-proof your marriage:

1. Agree that marriage is a commitment. At the end of the day, marriage is about commitment. Whether it’s viewed as a sacred bond or a civil contract, a marriage that is embraced by both spouses as a binding agreement — not to be broken by sickness, financial hardship, or the temptation of an attractive co-worker — is more likely to survive. These couples are committed to working through conflict together, without fear that the other person will jump ship when the going gets rough.
2. Meet your partner’s emotional needs. Simply put, a husband and wife must learn how to make each other happy — and how to stop making each other unhappy. Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr, marriage therapist and author of the book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage, starts his therapy sessions by asking the couple: “What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?” He has identified the 10 most common “emotional needs” that couples want met: admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Not surprisingly, the woman’s top needs are often the opposite of the man’s top needs. For example, conversation and family commitment top the woman’s list of needs, while sexual fulfillment and admiration are at the top of the man’s list. Understanding what your spouse’s needs are — and how to fulfill those needs — will lead to a happier marriage.
3. Be willing to negotiate. Being able to understand and respect your spouse’s perspective, especially during conflict, is critical in a relationship. For example, one husband I spoke with needed more time alone together with his wife. He wanted her companionship. She, on the other hand, felt that their time as a couple should be spent with the children, as a family. Resolving this issue involves understanding and respecting the other person’s feelings and being willing to compromise to satisfy both partners’ needs.
4. Learn how to fight. Resolving conflict in a way that meets each other’s emotional needs and accommodates each other’s feelings is critical in making a relationship last. Whether your style is to yell and shout, or to write letters to each other expressing your feelings, doesn’t matter. What matters is finding a communication style that works for both of you. Bottling up anger and hiding issues will only lead to bigger problems down the road.
5. Schedule time together. When I had my first child, a friend of mine with grown children gave me this piece of advice: she told me to schedule a weekly date night, and to hold fast to it no matter the circumstances. Four kids and 14 years later, my husband and I still have our weekly date night. Sometimes it’s at night, sometimes during the day when the kids are in school. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is scheduling time when you and your spouse can give each other undivided attention — away from the kids and other couples. Dr. Harley seconds this advice and suggests that couples give each other a minimum of 15 hours alone together each week. In that time, says Dr. Harley, you should focus on the four emotional needs of affection, sexual fulfillment, intimate conversation, and recreational companionship.
6. Make time for romance. The definition of “romance” for men and women is very different. Romance for most men means sex and recreation; for most women it’s affection and conversation. Try combining all four of them for the greatest satisfaction. Women often resent having sex without affection and conversation first, and men resent being conversant and affectionate with no hope for sex or recreation.
7. Keep expectations in check. Marriage isn’t a fairy tale. If you go into it thinking that it’s going to be easy sailing, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Every marriage experiences conflict. The ones that succeed are the ones that develop healthy coping strategies to deal with problems. Viewing marriage as a working partnership, not just a romantic relationship, helps put things in perspective. Not that romance can’t be part of the working partnership — it can and should be. Just keep expectations in check and don’t compare your marriage to what you see in the movies.
8. Put marriage at the top of the list. With everything that couples have on their plates today — kids, careers, ailing parents, financial stresses — it’s hard to put marriage first. It may be politically incorrect to say this, but marriage must come first — even before your kids. A couple that’s been married for 50 years told me that they always spent the first 20 minutes when the husband came home from work alone together, talking and having a cocktail. The kids had to go in the other room. It’s okay to show your kids that your marriage comes first.
9. Develop your own interests. Relationships that last have something interesting in common — each partner has developed interests of their own, independent of their spouse. It might be a job, volunteer work, a book club, or a regular girls’ night out. According to Dr. Noelle Nelson, relationship expert and author of Your Man Is Wonderful, having a part of your life that is your own can boost your self-confidence, which in turn can help your marriage. Along these lines, Dr. Nelson advises couples to take care of their physical health, not only to please their spouse, but to boost their self-esteem. Women worry too much about aging, she says. They get confused, believing that affairs happen because they get older and become less physically attractive to their spouses. Remember, confidence is attractive.
10. Show your appreciation. Having an “attitude of gratitude” can go a long way in keeping a marriage intact. Couples often let appreciation slide because they assume, after many years, that their spouse knows what they are grateful for. As one couple told me, “We don’t let a day go by when we don’t communicate what we appreciate about each other.” Be specific: “Thank you for dealing with all the awful politics at work, so you can support our family.” Or, “thank you for driving the kids around after school every day. I know how hard it can be.”

Bottom line? Many people have a misconception that marriage is the culmination of a relationship. Far from it. Marriage requires constant work and attention. Don’t expect it to come easy. Talk, talk, talk. Be willing to see things from your spouse’s point of view. If you can’t work things out on your own, talk to a licensed marriage therapist before the problems grow too big. An experienced therapist has seen all the issues you’re experiencing — and then some — and can help you and your spouse find strategies to work through them.

This was a great article to find at a time when I’m almost divorced and ensuring I remain focused going into the next stage of my life.  It is vitally important to remain honest in all of your dealings, romantically and otherwise. I think this article helps reinforce that. Thanks for reading and I wish you the very best in your travels.