It’s exactly 9:58 EST and I’m sitting in my kitchen with my betrothed surfin’ the net and enjoying the end of a productive day of gainful employment and good times.
It seems I no longer live in the quiet eastern Carolina beach community I moved into about 6 months ago. I have unwittingly moved into the ghetto where I sit in jubilation after receiving my first threatening phone call. I’ve never received one before and I find myself joining the ranks of the late Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac Shakur. I just hope I don’t meet the same fate as those titans of rap music and get gunned-down while I’m checkin’ my mail whilst standin’ on the backs of my shoes like my people tend to do when they ‘jet’ out to the post-box.
This phone call came after what I can only assume was the time necessary to explain the meaning of the offending word to the deliverer of the unexpected and poorly executed ‘threat-call’. If it really took as long as I think it did to translate this definition from English into a guttural European dialect then back to English, the instigator of this conflict failed to explain the word really wasn’t directed at the offended party.
I have to admit I’m feelin’ pretty ‘Gansta’ I made an off-the-cuff comment directed at Manders and this other chick is trying to go all Tonya Harding (Good Catch, Anonymous Reader…You’re a Peach…WINK*) on my ass. A pipe is very ‘hood’.
I’ve mentioned ‘the offending word’ a couple of times in this post. It’s time to unveil the A-bomb, I’ve recently nicknamed “Fat Man”. “strum·pet (strŭm’pĭt) n. A woman prostitute. ” I used this word in jest about mine and some people read the post I threw up on the 13th of Feb 2007, and thought I was a douche-bomb and being mean to Manders. I was actually talking/typing in a pirate voice ala’ Jack Sparrow “…said strumpet…” I know some of you are going to not only enjoy this post but are going to think I’m being wrongfully accused of having a bit of fun. Well played. I am. But my loss is your gain because if oddities like this didn’t happen to me, I’d have next to nothing to entertain you with. You’re welcome; you dirty consumers.
Moving on, this next piece is less directed to my casual reader and more directed to the jelly-souled, hyper-sensitives who make threatening phone calls. I’m talking to you right now. This is happening: Please enjoy! I’m disappointed – I don’t feel very threatened. I think if this had happened earlier in my life this kind of psychological terrorism might really freak me out. But, after being where I’ve been and seeing some of the stuff I’ve seen; it’s all good. If there are people out there who feel the need to take time out of their lives and react to something I’ve said or done; thank you. I’ve just succeeded in stealing part of your life. The time it takes you to pause your life and react is time, that I’ve inadvertently taken from you. I only say that to say this; if you’re going to react then make the most of the seconds, minutes, hours or days you decide to invest in the words you direct at me.
Thanks for reading, I’m sure this will turn into a fantastic series,
I love you all and God Bless,